“Congratulations! We are very proud of you. You did it. But now is when life begins. By doing it you have set yourself a bar and that is where we rate you now. So you can’t go any lower”
How has life been? How was your vacation? How is your family? I hope life is treating you well.
When June was coming to a close my life was pretty good if you ask me. I was graduating with a 2:1 in a week, and my parents would be there to celebrate with me! I had a job waiting for me at home, or rather I had a job lined up, and I was in a relationship with someone I could see myself building a life with. So you see, life was going good. But July came and in one week my “perfect” life flipped. First it was my parents not being able to make the graduation, then it was the job not being there and then my grandmother but icing on the cake was being dumped. I really hope someone enjoyed my graduation because when July 10th came I was emotionally spent. I smiled and laughed when required but I was clinging on. Plus I had a really bad cold 🙄🙄.
I remember lying in bed Tuesday. With a bad hangover and a blocked nose. Crying, coughing and sleeping all day. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink anything. And I did this again on Wednesday and Thursday (Although I did drink something at some point 👀). I have a problem of letting things stop me from living. When I am down I am completely down. I do extreme. I am either extremely happy or sad. And when I am sad I feel so alone and weak. I am sure I am not the only one. I had learnt to lean on one person but when they were not there I was giving up.
Then the email came. This one lifed my spirits. So Friday wasn’t too bad, plus Tutu was back and graduating, I had to gather strength. But you can only carry a facade for so long. Friday night back in my bed. Saturday all day the same thing. That night I got anxiety attacks. I felt closed in a room and I was struggling to breath. But we made it through. Some motherly love, prayer and a true friend. I am not so alone after all.
But I was ready to go home. Well I hadn’t packed but emotionally I had checked out of Bristol and the people. I needed to be with my mum and in an environment that allowed me to be myself. To feel and express. So I told my parents I want the next possible flight back.
“When you were a student you were allowed to make mistakes. But now, you’re transitioning to an adult, you need to make your own set of rules. You need to graduate in your character as well. What values do you hold dear. What makes you who you are.”
There is a lot about me I discovered I do not like. I sat there watching the sun set into the ocean from my balcony and just wrote down what about me disappoints me. Then I burnt it, because instead of moaning about it, it’s time to do something about it. The thing about turning a year older is that it allows you to look back and reflect on what could have gone better. Why? Although this doesn’t necessarily have to happen on your birthday. But it’s been exactly a week since I came back and it’s exactly a week to a new age. This one is coming with new experiences, new challenges, new stage in my life, new people… Not that the old have disappeared.
The key thing is this, I am going to be me unapologetically from now on. I am going to speak for myself. I am going to fight for me. I am no longer going to hide and shy myself from the world and the people I want to keep in my life because they can’t handle me. I need to love myself more. Because human beings by nature don’t know how to appreciate it when you give them your world. But remember no one owes you anything. The world does not owe you anything!!
Although I say this, but… I once asked who do you say I am, but it’s time I answered that question for myself. So here I am, single, unemployed and nervous. Nervous in a good way because I know my journey has just began and nervous because I don’t know what happens next. I hate not knowing what happens next!
“Most importantly my daughter, do everything while seeking the guidance of your God! No one can lead you better, no one knows you better, and no one can support you better. Believe in Him. Trust Him. Seek Him.”
What a wonderful place to be! Congratulations to me. Happy Birthday to me! Let’s go for a ride 😏😏
PS: Current read “Her Roots” by JJ Lanji Ouko. A woman I admire oh so much! Look for it. It’s the story of every 20-something woman. You are not alone!!