Let me start by apologizing for my recent behaviour. I could use the excuse that I was trying to build our friendship but in truth I was being selfish. I wasn’t a very good friend to you either. I thought I was saving you. I thought I was pulling you up. But instead I was just being selfish. You told me to hold on, that it gets better…
Many things are racing through my mind. I think 4 years isn’t enough. But neither would 11, or 8. To be honest there is not enough number of years that I would have been satisfied with having you in my life. You shine a light so bright and illuminated my world. It was not just through your voice; which was so smooth melted through me like butter, which is also what led me to you actually, or your charm which always made me love you even more because you always knew what to say, even when I was mad at you which would never be for long 🙄 or your smile which you blessed me with Every. Single. Time. Or your ability to always bring joy to the room especially with your jokes and word play. It was who you are Charles, that made me so happy to call you a friend, makes me feel so blessed to have you in my life.
I have so many memories. Some happy, some sad but mostly happy. But my favourite will have to be that night, where you sang for me and we talked. All Night. You made me feel special, you always knew how to do that, to make me feel appreciated in your life through the small acts and little things. I hope I made you feel the same because;
Charles you are a gem. One so rare and unique. There is definitely no one out there like you and there is definitely no friendship I could form out there like I had with you. You made it special. It will always be special, because even in death you are my friend. You are my favourite. And I will always be your biggest fan. Always rooting for you.
You are where you belong. Singing with the Angels. And you will always be in my heart. In that special place you made for yourself. I love you, I didn’t say it enough, but I love you more than I can describe. I miss you already.
Like I said, it’s your turn to take care of me and guide me. You know I need you. 😘
How have you been mate? It has been forever hasn’t it? I do hope that everything is going well with you and your family. I cannot really complain, there has been a lot that has happened since we last spoke but I have to say Glory to God because the blessings have been unending.
However, I wish when Jesus said that we forgive seven times seventy He would add how hard it is. I used to think that I was good at this forgiveness thing but I realise that it goes deeper than just thinking that you have forgiven someone. Once you truly forgive someone you let the mistake go. My ex-roomate and good friend V would say that one of her weaknesses was that she holds grudges and I never used to understand that but now I realise that she had just matured enough to realise that it is not as easy as we thought.
I have been hurting since October because I refuse to forgive I try so hard to make reason for what happened and because of that I have not been able to just forgive. However many apologies I have received I have not understood that as a human he had short comings and was also growing up. I had made him to be perfect and that is the other problem that we as humans have. We revere someone that we think they can never hurt us but we forget that they are still human and they will make mistakes and that sometimes that might come back to hurt us. Someone who cares will not hurt you intentionally, I genuinely believe this. I have said before I do not believe in apologies unless you understand what exactly you are apologising for. I think one of the most misused word is sorry, and I know I am guilty of this but I have never valued that word like I did this weekend. I have said it with so much meaning but I also felt like it was not enough.
But the hardest thing to do is forgiving ourselves. I know I will not be able to forgive anyone else unless I forgive myself. I put so much pressure on myself that I forget that I am human and I am allowed to make mistakes and that I will fail all the time before I get it right. My God has forgiven me and if He finds me worthy of another chance over and over and over and over again, who am I to deny myself that right. Also not letting go of that energy means that I am just carrying around Bad Vibes and we no want that!
So my new promise to myself this weekend is to learn to forgive myself and to forgive others. Like really forgive not just saying it and taking any opportunity I get to remind someone how much they hurt me and not spending half my weekend reminding myself how much they hurt me. Also understanding that forgiveness takes time and that asking it from someone else means I need to be ready to be rejected.
Thank you for always being there K 🙂 Talk later xx
Ps: I love you K.O, I am sorry.
This time I will not share a song but just ask you to tune in to Unverified Radio every Monday-Thursday 5-7pm and listen to #Wheelsup. (Kenya Moja, Tunein App, http://www.unverified.co.ke) Okay just tune in always but especially at that time.
This is a poem by one of my favourites and also a friend I call my sister! I suggest you check her out.
I fight fires in my house. I have forgotten what it means to breathe. I fight amidst smoke-filled insecurities and choke my way through pain. Time passes and charred remains lay littered where vitality once birthed dreams. In this house, joy is a privilege. A priceless need drifting in and out of a dark sea […]
via House on fire — Brushstrokes of silent poetry