I remember waking up horny. (Plz, ayam human). I remember thinking to myself “If only he were here.” And then the Pandoras Box opened. All the pain, all the betrayal, all the lies, all the pretence. I couldn’t stop thinking “How could you do this to me?!All I did was love you?! Why did you do this to me” Then it moved from him to my life.
And I could not stop crying.
I came to Kenya ready for a re-birth emotionally and mentally. I spent 2 weeks thinking I was happy. I truly believed it. But then that day I was triggered. The night before my friend asked me “How are you dealing with it all, because you still sound hurt”. And I mumbled because the truth is, I wasn’t dealing, I was ignoring. I would walk around saying I don’t care that my life has moved on but it’s a lie. I came to Kenya running away from Bristol, but I was in truth trying to run away from myself, and that’s not possible. It all caught up with me.
So I am still crying. And feeling the pressure of all that. Plus questioning people in my life. How genuine they are. Thinking of all the fake people I allowed in my life. Remember how I said I do Extreme. But it’s Sunday. We turn to God and Melissa and Joan. But first God.
I was in such a low place. I just wanted it all to stop. I needed everything to just freeze so I can think and feel. So I can hear myself, truly listen to what I am feeling.
My birthday was great!! I got extremely drunk and you know that’s messy. But that was all for the moment. Life after that night is as bad as the hangover. Only this one the cure is not as simple as water and exercise. I am working hard at it. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I just didn’t think it would be this hard.
I will one day heal. Once I forgive myself for him then maybe I will be happier. Once I forgive myself for being to trusting maybe I will stop feeling low. Once I finally put myself first, love myself. That’s probably the hardest thing I will have to do.
“But Stephanie no one in this world is carrying you but you. So what if he is gone. So what if she betrayed you. Imagine you were fine before they came in. You will be even better now that they have left. People are temporary Stephanie. Remember that. Only person you can rely on forever is yourself. ”