Dear K,

How do you do my dear?

Yesterday I was in a reflective mood and Big Sean’s lyrics came to mind “What’s the perfect girl (guy), if it’s not the perfect time?”

When I was 15, I had the perfect boyfriend. I knew he was perfect but for some reason I could not feel as deeply as he did. You may say he was young or we were young and it was just a phase but for some reason I know that he was the first. The first to put me first, the first to care about me wholly, the first to love me the best way he could. Isn’t that all that we girl look for in our men? I tease Fatma all the time about being an attention whore with her boyfriend but to be honest that’s what I probably would be like with mine. So if he was the perfect guy why did I let him go you ask, because it wasn’t the perfect time. I was not ready, I was too young for a love that strong.

3 years later it is the perfect time. I am ready to love wholly, to open myself up to the risk of hurt to put someone’s happiness before mine, to care for someone so deeply it becomes part of me, but I get the imperfect guy. You were too imperfect that you shuttered me. 

A lot of people expected me to cry, to break down and get depressed, but seeing as that is not in my nature. I never really deal with my emotions as expected. Maybe I should have cried, cursed you and thrown things. Maybe I should have given you a call and throw all the insults that  my mouth could speak but I don’t know if that will make me feel better.

You see, why I am saying this now is because I realise that because I cared so deeply you are a part of me now and if I am to be able to learn to live happy without you I have to address that. I have been in a mood since I got here and all this time I blamed it on being away from home but to be honest I just refused  to have positive thoughts and something was holding me back. You were holding me back.

So just as my perfect guy did, I am going to learn to live without you even though you are a part of me and not let you hold me back. You said you know I can never hate you, that is true but it does not mean that I am weak when it comes to you on the contrary after today, I am stronger than ever was.

I am learning to let go and this was step 1, goodbye to K the imperfect guy and hello K  the perfect friend.

Song of the blog: Photographs-Karun


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