Let’s discuss what it means to “talk”.
I will be honest with you, one of the things that makes a situation worse for me is when someone says “maybe you should talk about it” or “what’s wrong, do you wanna talk about it?” I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that someone cares enough to want to listen to what could be bothering me but the problem is I don’t know how to. What exactly does it mean when someone means they want to talk? I am assuming they want me to describe my problem. Do they want to know what the situation is exactly? “okay, well my grandma passed on.” I remember when she did. I cried and cried for hours. My dad wanted to “talk about” it though. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear. “I’m okay, daddy. I’ll just lie down for a bit”. It worried my dad that I didn’t want to talk, at the time he assumed it is because me and him never really had that kind of relationship, but to be honest I just didn’t know what to say.
Words never seem to be enough to express what emotion I am going through.
Who am I meant to talk to? What should I tell them? Will they understand? Do they care? What will they do? When someone throws the word talk all these questions run through my mind. My mum always tells me that everyone has their own cross to carry. So why should I add on to their burden?!
You see, I don’t like being a trouble to anyone and I feel like talking is being a burden. I have no idea where that comes from though because funnily enough I am always ready to listen “well, if you need someone to listen, I am here.” So why can’t I let someone else listen as well? Is there something wrong with me?
I know what it is; I don’t know what is wrong. “Why are you looking depressed Steph, is everything okay?” I don’t know. I don’t understand why I am in this mood. Why am I feeling lonely? Why am I getting paranoid? Why am I buzzing? Why am I irritable all of a sudden. What’s up? What’s going on?What is going on with me? What is happening?!
I am talking,
Care to listen?
Never Mind, you will not get it.
Song of the blog: Me, Myself & I by Karun