Life living me

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Dear K,

It has been possibly the longest two weeks of my life. Simply because I have let life live me.

When I first heard that statement I did not know what it meant; to not be living your life but instead your life is living you. After the past two weeks, I think I have an idea.

I have not been in touch with reality and it is scary. I have smiled and laughed as if there is no care in the world. I have dined and wined (literally) with my friends as if the moment we live in is all that matters. However, every night I would go back to my empty flat and not be able to sleep. I will not cry. I have been doing enough of that lately. But I am not at peace.

Denial. It is the worst thing that can happen to you. I am not talking about denial of an attraction, that is a fraction of what denial can do to you. I am talking about denial of life. Denial of death. Denial of time passing by. Denial of no control. Denial of what is. Denial of reality.

I have refused to accept that life can come to an end. That the people who I see as the definition of forever can simply vanish. The idea of not seeing someone ever again. The idea of not calling their name without it being an image. The idea that I cannot hear their voice again. Their words of wisdom. To see their acts of faith. To take in their knowledge.

How do I move on? How do I let reality kick in? How do I say goodbye? How do I start living again?

Say hello to the wife and kids

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Song of the Blog: Mafunzo ya Dunia- Sauti Sol

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